Here's How to Learn From a Salary Negotiation Gone Bad

When you try—and fail—to negotiate a higher salary, you may just want to cry and never try again. But the key to snagging a raise at your next performance review is learning from that very negotiation gone bad.

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When you try—and fail—to negotiate a higher salary, you may just want to cry and never try again. But the key to snagging a raise at your next performance review is learning from your negotiation gone bad.

"The only true failure in life is if you stop trying to move upward and onward," says Elle Kaplan, finance expert and founder of LexION Capital. "By redefining failure to focus on the experience and success gained through the process, you can remove the power that rejection tries so desperately to hold over you. Even if you didn’t get the raise or salary bump this time, you did gain valuable negotiation experience for your future endeavors. The overlooked upside of a rejection is that it’s always a chance to improve and learn going forward." Here's how, in six easy steps.

Talk to a mentor. "It’s tough to see where we went wrong on our own," Kaplan points out. So turn to a mentor or a colleague you can trust for feedback. Walk them through the negotiation, line by line, gesture by gesture if possible. "It could’ve been something as simple as your body language that resulted in the 'no,'" says Kaplan, "but you may have been completely unaware of it, and your supervisor is unlikely to point it out. That’s where the power of a mentor comes into play."

Ask: Did I accept the offer too soon? Maybe you snagged a raise. But rather than the four-percent increase for which you'd angled, you signed off on a bite-sized one-percent boost. "When I was a recruiter, I’d sometimes have candidates ask for more money, only to get anxious and say they would accept the offer anyway when I told them I had to check," says Vicki Salemi, Monster's career expert. You shouldn't do that—nor should you feel pressured to accept an offer too soon. "I’ve actually seen successful negotiations go back and forth several times," Salemi says.

Examine your research. You can find anything on Google. But what you present to your superior as evidence you deserve a raise should be backed by credible sources. "Noteworthy groups such as the Bureau of Labor Statistics offer a treasure trove of information on salaries and positions that you can use to make your requests more concrete in the future," says Kaplan. See if your research stands up to those stats, and if not, be sure to include those concrete numbers next time.

Tweak your words. As soon as possible, write down the script of your negotiation. "If you think the way you said something caused an issue, figure out the right words and tweak it a little," suggests Salemi. Once you've got the right words down, study your new script, she says, "so you feel authentic and comfortable speaking from that angle next time. It’s not unlike preparing for a job interview by practicing responses to anticipated questions ahead of time. Create a negotiating 'blueprint' that you can refer to and continue to tweak and improve."

Fact check yourself. Take a look at your negotiation talking points. Were they based on intangible ideas—that you're a hard worker, for example—or cold, hard numbers, like the fact that you increased business by 20 percent in a single quarter? "I’m sure you are a hard worker, but unfortunately almost anyone can say that," says Kaplan. "Bringing up the amount of sales you took in this quarter, on the other hand, is an indisputable increase of your value. The goal here is to get as scientific and facts-based as possible the next time you try for a raise."

Analyze your emotions. Did you feel greedy or not entitled to ask for what you really deserve? "It may feel awkward at first to ask for more money, particularly if you think the original offer is fair," Salemi admits. "You may feel like you’re being greedy or that you’re not entitled to an even bigger paycheck or—stop. Remove your emotions and don’t overthink it." Next time, remember that a negotiation is business—and while you may have emotions surrounding it, you can't give in to them. "It’s a simple equation, really: They extend a job offer, you ask for more money, they go to bat for you," says Salemi. "Don’t overthink it the next time around. You’ll feel a lot more liberated in the future when you ask for what you’re worth if you don’t second guess it."

Finally, remember, "'No' is just someone’s opinion, nothing more," says Kaplan. "It doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve the raise, or that you can’t get it elsewhere. Never let one person’s (flawed) viewpoint affect how you view your fantastic self."